ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Eat…
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Weirdly Wednesday.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds