ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
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her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Only a mother’s love …
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/