ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
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Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.