@DaddyJew

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

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@Book_Krazy

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

@AlisonChrista

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

@Chay_Raghu

I met my wife on Tinder

* After 8 months of our marriage*

@rolldiggity

Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”

@TheAlexNevil

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear

@KalvinMacleod

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

@mattZillaaaa

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

@ReelQuinn

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

@KalvinMacleod

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*