Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
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throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it