Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
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ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I hate it when crazy people say Poseidon told them they are the ninja turtles and I don’t even remember I told them so.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.