Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
You Might Also Like
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?