Me: in bed tired, comfortable and ready to sleep
My bladder:

You Might Also Like


Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.


My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.


Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.


there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks


acknowledging public holidays in 2020 like well well well, we get to stay EXTRA home today, woo


*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!


Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.


I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display


*a man runs into the bar*


*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*


lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?

me: yea…it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners

lifeguard: a squid?