I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
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Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
i think both sides are to blame here
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.