@abedelrey

Me: in bed tired, comfortable and ready to sleep
My bladder:

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@propapergirl

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

@LeviKabwato

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

@dog_feelings

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

@itsallbollocks

acknowledging public holidays in 2020 like well well well, we get to stay EXTRA home today, woo

@ThisOneSayz

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

@doktorj

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

@solsayswhaaa

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

@thenatewolf

*a man runs into the bar*

“HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?”

*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*

@generaldietz

lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?

me: yea…it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners

lifeguard: a squid?