Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
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That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you