Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
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[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I’m tired tomorrow.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.