[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
choose your gary
apparently this year was written by stephen king
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?