Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
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I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.