Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
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I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.