I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
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My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?