Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
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General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.