Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Oops I deleted….
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy