Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
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A fake ID that makes you younger
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
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Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”