Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

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Am I original?
Am I the only one?
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.


At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts


HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort


Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.


Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.


My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist


*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see



McDonald’s Manager: Ma’am, you can’t use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW




Oh you’re in the shower? Here’s the seven worst songs from your playlist.

– shuffle mode


[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?