I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
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This made me smile…
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.