@alexlumaga

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

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@wateringabuxus

Me – Doctor, I have depression.

Doctor – Are you on anything for it?

Me – Twitter.

@bobbiejo448

Dora could get to her destination in half the time if Swiper were in prison where he belongs.

@desukidesu

little girl: what’s behind the wardrobe?

old man: narnia

girl: what’s narn-

man: narnia business

@OctopusCavemann

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

@Tommytoughstuff

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

@Reverend_Scott

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

@drayzze

I’m not superstitious.

But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.

#FridayThe13th

@murrman5

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

@direlog

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved