Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
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A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’