Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

Its a hippotatomus

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!