Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
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If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?