@bossy_bootz

Me in my 20’s:
oh cool there’s an after party

Me in my 40’s:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

@jonnysun

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

@Tmoney68

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

@raniao2011

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

@mejustbeth

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

@OctopusCaveman

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

@sonictyrant

Therapist: your wife has trouble understanding the way you express yourself

Me: well that’s Sheila, always the pancake on the ceiling

@generaldietz

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

@Landon8426

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.