[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
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A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.