I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Me in my 20’s:
oh cool there’s an after party
Me in my 40’s:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets
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[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Therapist: your wife has trouble understanding the way you express yourself
Me: well that’s Sheila, always the pancake on the ceiling
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.