Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
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We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did