Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

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If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.


Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them


The sirens stopped in front of my house, I should probably have a gander brb


Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…


Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?


*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?


The longer you look at this the better it gets


[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will


*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*


Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail



Wife: you can usually trust me