@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

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@not_thenanny

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

@GoodZiIIa

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

@yonewt

The sirens stopped in front of my house, I should probably have a gander brb

@PHDaniel_Street

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

@squirrel74wkgn

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

@AlsBoy

The longer you look at this the better it gets

@psybermonkey

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

@mommywhitfield

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

@SvnSxty

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me