@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

You Might Also Like

@Greg_1_Leg

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

@thatUPSdude

“It’s only arson if you get caught”

~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids

@RuthDavidsonMSP

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

@Sassafrantz

The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter’s 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

@Jennuflect

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

@rohmontgomery

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

@robdelaney

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.