Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.