ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
i will not be silenced
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes