@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

- @Tommytoughstuff

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

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@MoneypennyNaked

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

@tayandmae

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

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@Jen_Mahabir

If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.

@heiditron3000

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

@iGreenMonk

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

@JustEnduring

WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.

@Sickayduh

[England 1320]
“Dearest fair lady, thou art the finest in the land. Allow me to gaze upon thee soon. My love grows.”

*waits 6 months*

“K”

@rickygervais

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.