10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
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Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
cat vs inanimate object
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it