@thenatewolf

ME IN PUBLIC: I don’t believe in ghosts.

ME WHEN I’M ALONE AND HEAR ANY CREAK IN THE HOUSE: Pappy?

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@Jake_Vig

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

@MelvinofYork

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

@MyNameIsArchaic

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

@dumbbeezie

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

@shopkins776

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

@suecorvette

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

@BlondAmbitionTO

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo