“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
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When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
If only.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.