@jonnysun

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

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@Parkerlawyer

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

@princess_snide

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

@NicestHippo

*deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl*
Oh my goodness was that my…(sexy voice) political science degree

@TweetPotato314

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

@ericsshadow

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

@JediGigi

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

@zachreinert03

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

@FriedWords

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

@rockymomax

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”