ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

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We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.


Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.


*deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl*
Oh my goodness was that my…(sexy voice) political science degree


interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no


[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory


M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee


My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover


I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.


I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.


[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”