I’ll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed
“I am your Father”
Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end
Me, in shorts and a t-shirt
7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?
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HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Narrator: I’m sorry but that’s incorrect
N: our next contestant…
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[packing for camping trip]
me: need portable lights
jack: a flashlight?
me: nah, the bigger one with a handle
jack: oh, lantern?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the van
ME: Oh no thanks I’m vegetarian
KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away*
KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.