Me, in shorts and a t-shirt

7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?

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I’ll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

“I am your Father”

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end


HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.


HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually


Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.


[spelling bee]

Narrator: relax

Contestant: ok

Narrator: I’m sorry but that’s incorrect

C: what?

N: our next contestant…


HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?


[packing for camping trip]

me: need portable lights

jack: a flashlight?

me: nah, the bigger one with a handle

jack: oh, lantern?


KIDNAPPER: Get in the van
ME: Oh no thanks I’m vegetarian
KIDNAPPER: Oh okay sorry *drives away*
{15min later}
KIDNAPPER: Wait a minute, wtf


A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”



Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.