[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

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Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.


whenever a song says put your hands in the air i do it on the spot. i have fun and also an alarming vehicle collision record


Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.


[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here


A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.


When someone tells you to “get a Life,” just take theirs. They’ll be happy you took their advice, and you’ll be happy they’re dead.


Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!


Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.


When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”