Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.