Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
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The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Skills
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My five year plan is a meteorite
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.