ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
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I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you