ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

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If i was going to rob someone I’d wear a fanny pack, jorts, and crocs. Nobody would believe them.


Everybody’s playing an angle and I’m really bad at trigonometry.


Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”


It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*


[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”


According to these Father’s Day gift sections, all dads are clean shaven business men that love playing golf and think they’re #1.


[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*


There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.


If Kevin Bacon never said “want some bacon with your eggs” to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn’t make sense anymore.


*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Table: No