@chuuew

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

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@usermcuserface

If i was going to rob someone I’d wear a fanny pack, jorts, and crocs. Nobody would believe them.

@FuckabillyRex

Everybody’s playing an angle and I’m really bad at trigonometry.

@jellybnbonanza

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

@fridaycandy

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

@daemonic3

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

@TheMichaelRock

According to these Father’s Day gift sections, all dads are clean shaven business men that love playing golf and think they’re #1.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

@alispagnola

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

@SSDated

If Kevin Bacon never said “want some bacon with your eggs” to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn’t make sense anymore.

@noog

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No