@chuuew

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

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@notfunnyelle

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a beat too long*

@OneFunnyMummy

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

@Bexdora

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Taaaake onnn beeees ?
[Take on bees]
? Taaaake beeeees onnn ?
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ?
Too many
Beeeeees ?

@Sickayduh

I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

@CelebrityChez

I saw an alligator yesterday. At first I wasn’t sure and thought it could have been a crocodile. That is until I saw it later. Then I knew.

@trentistweeting

[me trying to do magic]
Is this your card?
“No”
Is THIS your card?
“Not even close”
What about THIS?
“Trent thats literally a piece of ham”

@kivtur

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.