“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
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Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Am I having a stroke?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order