*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
You Might Also Like
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I ate everything, including the H.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.