me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
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4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!