[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????
me: omg thank you
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.
But no, she’s still alive.
My goal when I go to a friend’s house for dinner is to befriend the dog to the point its loyalty is tested.
When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser