@sofarrsogud

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

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@Bripping_Talls

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

@Tmoney68

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

@JimGaffigan

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

@belleykell

Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now

@thepunningman

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

@desolateson

I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 37 waiting for the room to stop spinning.

@rad_milk

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

@Staggfilms

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

@Poutymcgee

*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.