ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up


Knuckle tats:




I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?



me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you


I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she’s still alive.


My goal when I go to a friend’s house for dinner is to befriend the dog to the point its loyalty is tested.


When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.


If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser