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@sofarrsogud: ME: [introducing my brother's daughter whose name I've forgotten]
This is niece.
@Trudacious: You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you're paying attention to her.
@HomeWithPeanut: Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON'T! IT'S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
@YWIR: Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile
@Lisa_Laughs_: If I stalked you any harder, you'd be a missing person.
@daryl_ei: I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.