ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.