ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

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Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.


I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.


I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.


Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now



“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please



I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 37 waiting for the room to stop spinning.


remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s


ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.


*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date


This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.