ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
just having fun
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.