ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
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SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Me, flirting😏
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick