Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
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*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game