me irl
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Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards