me irl
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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
But is it really??
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.