me irl
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For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Need WebMD
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
True freaking story!
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Ape together strong