Me irl
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Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
🙂🐾
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*