Me irl
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[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
War & Peace
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER