@jaboukie

me: *is guillotined in a whole foods*
cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007

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@Contwixt

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

@rw_powers

40% of divorces stem from $ issues.

40% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

@sixfootcandy

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

@KevinFarzad

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

@Home_Halfway

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

@MichaelTrying

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

@Faux_Ma

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

@bonehugsnirony

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm