*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
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*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Fights fire with marshmallows
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits