This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
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At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Need WebMD
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.