Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
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8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)