Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
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WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics