@spaceboyriley

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

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@The_Sculptress

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

@MoneypennyNaked

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

@KenJennings

Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?

@Puncroaker

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

@primawesome

Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.

@torrami

My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid 🙁

@copymama

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

@INDlAN_

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

@duhh3322

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

@michaelianblack

Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They’re wheels.