The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Too bad the dinosaurs didn’t have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.
My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid 🙁
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They’re wheels.