Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
You Might Also Like
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Thank you corporation very cool
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon