ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
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I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
OKAY DAD
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
titanic
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
#oldknees
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm