Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
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“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Ken is short for chicken
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.